Emptying It All Out.

I can't believe I was blind and dense enough to lose the best thing that ever happened to me. But what is even more unfathomable is how I was blind and dense enough to think I could ever have it back.Why did I destroy this? Why couldn't I realize a the time what I had? Was I arrogant enough to think I was the best thing that ever happened to him and not realize it was the other way around? Was I the one who was actually too closed off to let him in?

I admit I had huge trust issues that where not caused by him. I tried to protect myself from someone who wasn't trying to hurt me. I was always questioning because I knew he was trying to tear me down. It hurts so bad to look back on that because I realize how insane I was. I can see now that I was the one with walls. I thought we had crossed that barrier and where working on his. But it is obvious that I still had many of my own to worry about.

Why is it so easy to see the flaws in others before we see the flaws in our self? When I look at someone and judge them, I compare them to myself.

"I don't like this person because they are too self centered. Wait...that is because I don't like that in myself."

Yet, for some reason, I was not able to do this with him. I couldn't look at him and see my own flaws.

I think I've made the right decision. I've cut him loose from my insanity. For both of us. I am clearly making life difficult for him. When I'm not around him, I can see us as "just friends". I can see him dating other people. But when I am close to him, I see his corky habits. I see his random sense of humor. I see how he is entertained by the slightest thing. I see the person I've dreamed about. Then it kicks in. I want him. I have to have him. Then I get jealous. I want to be around him because he is an amazing person. But I know I can't because I still love him. So it is time to let go. I can't hold on anymore because it is only making the bad taste in his mouth worse. The harder I try, the hard I fall. I'm tired of being picked back up again. It's wearing on me also.

I haven't eaten in four days. Okay, so a granola bar, and three RITZ crackers last night, and some Oreo's the other night. Sadly, my nerves are shot, so they all came back up anyway. I can't sleep at night because my mind won't stop. In the past 4 days I have probably gotten a total of 12 hours of sleep. I can't function at work. I can't even put together sentences properly when talking. I pause trying to think of the most simple words like "that" and "what".

Maybe this truly is what I need. It's just time to myself to understand me. Just like checking the oil in my car, you need to do this often. And just like the oil in my car, I forget to check it, and then everything blows up.

Anyone who is to have Lucas Charley as a friend has been granted the best gift possible. Anyone lucky enough to have Lucas as more better realize what they have. Do not take him for granted. Do not ever doubt him. He is the most honest person I know. Do not worry about being hurt. He will try his hardest not to damage you. And please, do not play games with him. I have done that enough already. He is sensitive to other, caring, intelligent, beautiful, and profound. Do not hurt him. And this is a warning for your own health. Because if you hurt him, I will come after you. I am from the south, and we do fight dirty. It doesn't help that I'm also a tad bit crazy with a dash of impulsive behavior. So you never know with me. But to make it clear, if you hurt him, I will be at your doorstep.

This is my true confession. I realize that it was me. I realize the mistakes I made. I can see that now. I am sorry. I am sorry to Lucas, I am sorry to anyone effected, and I am sorry to myself. Because in the long run, I ended up losing the most.